Become imitators of God as dearly loved sons and daughters [Gr. tekna].[i] ….·Since “the days are evil”, make the most of “the season”[ii] ·in this way: do not become mindless, rather be ones who understand the will of the Lord. ·And do not be drunk on wine wherein is loss of control; rather [Gr. alla] be filled with the Spirit— ·uttering psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to yourselves, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord, ·always giving thanks over all things to the (one) God and Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting yourselves one to another in reverence [Gr. phobo] of Christ—[iii] ·YOU wives submitting to your own husbands as to the Lord, ·in that the husband is the head of the wife even as the Messiah is the head of the church; and he is the savior of the body. ·Or rather [Gr. alla]: as the church is submitting to the Messiah, even so the wives to their own husbands in everything. ·YOU husbands also, love your own wives according to how the Messiah loved the church and gave himself for her—·that he might be setting her apart [Gr. auteen hagiasee], in a declaration [Gr. en reemati] cleansing her by the washing of the water, · that he might present her to himself: the glorious church without a defilement or wrinkle, or any such thing so that she should rather be holy and flawless. ·Even so the husbands ought to be loving their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself, ·for no one ever hates his own flesh. Rather [Gr. alla] he nourishes and cherishes her even as the Lord does the church, ·in that we are members of his body. ·“Because of this a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh” [Gen.2:24]. ·This is the great mystery, and I refer to Christ and to the church. ·And so accordingly for you couples [Gr. humeis hoi]: let each man be thus loving his wife as himself, also so that [Gr. hina] the woman may be reverencing [Gr. phobetai] her husband. (Eph.5:1,16-33 PH)

This text from one of Paul’s letters in the New Testament challenges a number of common perspectives about marriage, both ideas in modern Western culture, and some traditional ideas common in many churches.

As Debbie and I were preparing for our wedding, almost 45 years ago, we read a book about marriage written by an American pastor to his own adult daughter. I think he had a better understanding of the text I just read than do many other Christian leaders. For he introduced his book with these words: ‘Marriage is not so much about finding the right person as it is about being the right person.’[iv] In other words, marriage is more about what each of you brings to the relationship than what either of you gain from it.

So I want you to think first about the ways you have both matured as young adults in recent years—ways in which the Spirit of God prepared you to be ready for being a person who is able to take on the challenge of the responsibilities that come with marriage. I'm so glad that I didn't meet Debbie when I first started praying for a wife. One of the lessons I had to learn during those years from a broken relationship was that I had been in love with my own image of her. She was great person, but I wasn't seeing her for who she actually was. Debbie is also very glad I learned this lesson before we met! Thus, the maturity that each of you bring to this relationship is a God-given foundation for your further growth in maturity, together as a married couple. For you need to know this too, marriage is one of God's great tools for helping us mature into the image of Christ. And this maturing process can often be very uncomfortable. So continue to submit to Christ and continue to receive from him the resources of his Spirit as he works in you both and in your marriage.

The man who married Debbie and I, and who mentored us, Floyd McClung, also had a good grasp of Paul's perspective on a Christian marriage. At our wedding he said, ‘The Bible does not speak of our rights in marriage, but of our responsibilities.’ Unfortunately, the male-dominated character of most human cultures—including even Western cultures—has caused many pastors and theologians (most of whom are men) to hear in Paul's words only what they are culturally programmed to hear. Namely, about the man being the head of the woman and the woman needing to submit to her husband because of this.

Now there is a point to Paul saying this in the verses we read from his Ephesian letter, but it is not his main point about a marriage relationship between a man and a woman. So, because this idea about male-headship in a marriage is a hot topic, I asked Floyd about his perspective on this during one of our pre-marital counseling sessions. His answer was: ‘Sally and I do it this way. If she feels strongly about something and I don't, we do it her way. If I feel strongly about something and she doesn't, we do it my way. If we both feel strongly about something, we don't do anything until we have taken time to seek the Lord and come to an agreement under the guidance of his Spirit. Only in the exceptional case where a matter is so urgent that a decision cannot be delayed, then I take the lead as the “head” of the family.’ Floyd understood that when Paul speaks about the man as ‘head’ and the wife needing to ‘submit’, he does so in the context of his commands to all believers in Jesus, both men and women: to be filled with the Spirit, to honor Jesus as Lord out of gratitude to God as our Father, and to submit to one another.

Thus, Paul is not mainly talking about a hierarchical-man-over woman social structure in marriage, but about a husband-wife relationship in which both are adult co-heirs [Gr. sung-kleeronomoi] (1 Pet.3:7, Med.#46; Gal.3:28 – 4:1-7, Med.#4) of the ‘one God’ who is Father to both the man and the woman under the sole lordship of Jesus by the Spirit (1 Cor.8:6, Med.#69; 2 Cor.6:18, Med.#32).

The second thing I want to say to both of you is that in getting married to each other, your primary relational responsibilities do not change. Nor does your primary family identity. As followers of Jesus, your primary identity remains that of an adult sonand an adult daughter in relation to your heavenly Father—who according to Paul in this same letter, is the Father from whom all human fatherhood derives its name (Eph.3:14-15, Med.#6). You are both equally loved as one of his ‘dearly loved sons and daughters’ [Gr. tekna] (Eph.5:1) by your original Father; and you both have equal direct access to him through Jesus, by the Spirit (Eph.2:18 Med.#44).

So to all of us here, I want to say that even a Christian marriage won't work very well if one or both partners look to the other one to ‘complete’ or ‘fulfill’ him or her. The idea that getting married ‘completes’ you in some way is a false romantic idea, not a Christian perspective. And it is a recipe for disappointment and for putting expectations on your partner that he or she will never be able to fulfill. So whether you are married, or single and hoping to get married, the only way to finding fulfillment as a person is through getting to know your heavenly Father better, through the Holy Spirit and through Jesus your Savior and Eldest Brother, and through all the relationships with brothers and sisters in your Father's family that he gives you.

The thing about your new marriage relationship with each other, is that it is now the most important of all your relationships with your other brothers and sisters in the Body of Christ. On the one hand, this is because the union between a man and a woman in marriage continues to reflect God's initial purpose for it. From the Torah we learn that God created a woman as a ‘helper’ for her husband, though they both equally bear God's image (Gen.2:20b-22; 1:26-27, Med.#A). The Torah verse that Paul quotes, however, does not refer to the first husband and wife, but to three couples; for the new husband and wife in focus have each grown up in submission to a father and a mother. “Because of this a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh” [Gen.2:24, Eph.5:31). And what Paul says about the man being the ‘head’ of his wife is said in the context of children in relation to their parents. In this context it is not the wife who needs a head’, but the young children are growing up in obedience to both parents (Eph.6:1). They need a concrete structure; they need to know who is in charge. But for a new marriage to fulfill God’s purpose, the adult man must take the lead in ‘leaving’ his father and mother in order to become ‘head’ of the new family unit. And the adult woman getting married must now focus on helping her husband by ceasing to submit to her father (and her mother). This can be difficult in many family-oriented cultures where the parents think they can still control their adult daughter (or son). Or where either she or her husband, or both, are still looking to their earthly fathers for affirmation and approval.

The third thing I want to say to the bridegroom is this: your responsibility as the head of this new family unit is to take the initiative to put your wife's needs above the expectations of your own parents. And to the bride I say: it is your responsibility to give greater priority to being a helper to your husband than to fulfilling the hopes and expectations of your father or your mother. Debbie and I were both blessed to have parents who gave us lots of space as adult children to build our own new family. Yet with the children of the new family in mind Paul then goes on to cite the Torah again (Ex.20:12), with a reminder that is for the new couple as much as it is for their children. Even though a new couple must take some distance from their fathers and mothers to build their new family unit in submission to Jesus and to each other, they still have a responsibility to honor both sets of parents (Eph.6:2-3).

Yet the main reason Paul uses this Genesis text is to underscore that marriage, for a Christian husband and wife, now has a new purpose—to reflect the new thing God is doing in the world through Christ. Look at what Paul says immediately after citing the Creation story about ‘a man leaving his father and mother and becoming ‘one-flesh’ with his wife. ‘This is the great mystery’, he says, ‘and I refer to Christ and to the church’ (Eph.5:32). What is ‘the great mystery’ that he has in mind? And what does this have to do with a Christian marriage? Earlier in his letter Paul refers to ‘the Mystery’ as God's previously hidden purpose that has now been set in motion and revealed to us—to bring all kinds of diverse things together under Christ, the Messiah, as head (Eph.1:9-10, Med.#8). This includes bringing people of many diverse nations together as ‘co-heirs’ and together in one new ‘body’ with Christ as head (Eph.3:3-6, Med.6).

Therefore, Paul says, the Torah text about marriage was actually a prophetic text about the new thing God was going to do for all human beings through the coming of the Messiah. Thus, the sacrificial love that Christ has shown to us, that we might be joined to him and become one Body with him, is now the model for how a husband should love his wife even as he loves and cares for his own body (Eph.5:25-29). And the way we as members of Christ's body respond to him by acting in ways that bring honor [Gr. phobo] to him (Eph.5:21b) provides the wife with a model for how she should honor [Gr. phobetai] her husband as the loving response to his love for her (Eph.5:30,33b). Notice that Paul's final words in this text show how a Christian marriage is intended to be more about a unique loving and honoring relationship that bears witness to God’s love for us in Christ, than it is about a hierarchical social structure.

My final word to you both concerns a few practical ways to honor and love each other as a husband and wife who are first and foremost, in Christ, an adult son and an adult daughter of the ‘one God’, our Father (Eph.5:1,20). These are taken from the things Paul has to say to all believers in the passage leading up to this text about marriage (Eph. 4 & 5, Med.#79)—things that are also important for your relationship with each other as husband and wife.

1. First, watch your words with each other. Be truthful in what you say but speak the truth in a loving way. And speak words that build up rather than tear the other person down (Eph.4:25,15,16b,29). Following Christ's example does not make the husband a savior to his wife. Christ is our only savior. But just as Christ has cleansed and built us up by his words (5:23b,25-26), we as husbands, Paul says, need to set the example in how we speak to each other. For the past 45 years, I have made this an important goal in my relationship with Debbie.
2. Second, pay attention to how you deal with anger. Anger is our God-given protest emotion, so it is okay to be angry. But in your anger don’t sin through giving in to rage, slander and malice toward the other. Don't harbor bitterness toward the other, but when you get angry, seek to resolve the issue with each other on a daily basis. And as often as needed, forgive the other as God has forgiven you (Eph.4:26,31,32b).
3. Third, we all have needs and experience weakness. Contrary to what the world thinks, we are only as strong as when we are willing to express vulnerability. This is sometimes more difficult for a husband to do than it is for the wife. But if one partner is going to be vulnerable and express a need, the other needs to listen well (Eph.4:29,32a). This is one area as a husband that I still need to work on—to take time to really listen when Debbie makes herself vulnerable or expresses a need, and not quickly suggest what to me seems the most obvious solution to her problem. Can any other wives here identify with this? Also, in the areas of money (Eph.5:5,7) talk openly with each other about how you manage it together. And be generous (4:28b). Money becomes an idol (Col.3:5b) and starts to rule a marriage when one or both of you worry about it in secret.
4. Fourthly, in evil days or in times of frustration and hardships, learn what works for you to keep being faithful to each other, to keep being filled with the Holy Spirit—seeking his guidance and then submitting to each other as you submit to the Lord together (Eph.5:17,18b,21). Communicate with each other. Avoid the temptation to suffer in silence and medicate yourself—with wine, food, pills, porn, etc. (5:18a,3,11-12). And when you face such times, don’t forget to practice expressing gratitude and praise to your Father in all things—not just as individuals but together (5:19-20). Since these verses immediately precede what Paul says to married couples and to their children, such praise offered in their family to God as Father is especially important for the children, if they are to understand when they grow up that their own primary identity in God’s family kingdom is as his adult sons and daughters, in Christ and by the Spirit.

Finally, every Christian husband and wife need to remember that a loving and honoring marriage relationship is not about feelings that just happen, but about the fruit of the choices to love and honor that they continue to make in relationship to each other. So I close with the wise and challenging words that my mother said guided their marriage, ‘When you run out of love, make some more!’ Amen.

[i] The Greek word tekna in the plural can be translated either as ‘sons’ or as ‘daughters’ (1 Pet.3:6), or both. Thus ‘sons and daughters is a better rendering of this Greek word than ‘children’ when a text is referring to adults and not minors.

[ii] These words (Gr. ton kairon, hoti hai heemerai poneerai eisin) seem to be an allusion to Amos 5:13b LXX: ‘…that it is a season of evils’ (hoti kairos poneeron estin).

[iii] I start this verse with a dash to indicate that the new subject being introduced (marriage) is actually an extension of verses 16-21.

[iv] Charles Shedd, Letters to Karen: On keeping love in marriage, 1968. This book can be ‘borrowed’ for free as a PDF at this link: https://archive.org/details/letterstokaren00shed